I Have Changed How I View Change
I have been through so many gradual changes in the last several months that it’s seems unreal to think about how far I have come. Everything major in my life has changed including my home, job, friends, clothes, food, even the way I pee and bathe myself (that has earned its own blog entry, stay tuned) etc. You name it and it’s now different. I’m actually enjoying the changes I brought about including the bathing one, which I am just as surprised as everyone else. I am accepting these changes as the creator of them and I’m starting to go more with the flow. I like to tell myself, “Be like water, go with the flow” or “Be flexible like a palm tree in a hurricane.”
Before, I would deal with change by resisting it with tears, anger, and fear. It was the fear of the unknown and my need to control every outcome of my life/future that held me captive for years from following my intuition. It can be difficult to step out into unfamiliar territory and give up your security blanket or stale routine. Several weeks before I was scheduled to leave for Bhutan, I was extremely anxious about not knowing every detail about what my new life would look like. Although I had done some research, there wasn’t enough information to paint an accurate picture to calm my nerves. There were moments I cried like a baby about how hard the changes was going to be and how I already missed my beautiful San Diego life. I often questioned my ability to continue the changes and yearned for the past. Ma and Pa would naturally console me and even my sister got in on some of the sessions, which means I had to have been an extremely pitiful sight for her to join in.
I laugh now thinking about how childish I must have looked, but at the time it was real fear and panic. I was scared about what would happen to me if I got a bad spider bite and would have to fly to India to amputate a body part or what if a bear ate me and I died… on and on these horrifying thoughts went paralyzing me with fear, which are funny now. Some of these thoughts were not even mine to begin with, but were other worried stricken folks I encountered who implanted their memes into my brain. I come from a “worried wart” family, so these are normal thoughts for some of my family members like my Portuguese grandma.
Intellectually, I knew that these were just thoughts that I was reacting to and they were not real. They were only as real as I made them and I could dispel them whenever I chose. I also understood that I was stepping out of my comfort zone, so my mind brought to the surface all of its fearful thoughts I inherited growing up from others and society, with the purpose of protecting me. On the other hand, there was a part of me that wanted to go more than anything and it fed off any motivation it could get. I recognized this as my intuition urging me forward and I listened to it more than the ugly thoughts.
|I love Bhutan!|
Now I sit here in peace thinking about what was all that fuss about? Bhutan feels safe and I love it here. I know first hand that it’s never as scary as what the mind can conjure. Those moments of unnecessary agony I put myself through has made me appreciate the mind more than ever. It’s such an interesting device! I’ve found that if you allow it to run wild, it can come up with all sorts of unrealistic fears that may keep you stuck in the mud. To think that I could have listened to it and miss out on one of the most amazing experiences of my life is scary. Fortunately, there is a night and shinning armor in my story that aided me through the worries, my Dad, who is not part of the “worried warts.” He was often the hero, pulling me out of my mini tar traps. I still think about his speeches whenever I feel like I’m walking into some quick sand. I hear him saying, “Your going to be fine, it’s not going to be scary, you will adjust, you’ve done harder things before, if you need us we will come…” He would also say, “The mind is a tool like a computer and you can use it to your benefit…” and I’m starting to get this. Thanks Dad! And mom and Sonia too!
Since I’ve arrived in Bhutan, I’ve used some of dad’s motivational speeches to push through further changes. Most importantly, I have changed how I view change, which is not always perfect, but it’s a start to a healthier life. I use the renowned teacher, Louise Hay’s mantra that “whatever lies before me is good…” therefore, whatever change I experience, I know it’s for my highest good. Now I’m looking forward to what the universe will bring me next because today I like the changes that I have created in my life. It’s quiet exciting, almost like a game I finally figured out the rules to. One of the lessons/rules that I learned is to welcome change in order to grow and experience more of life. Change doesn’t have to be scary or bad when you take responsibility for it and know it’s there for your own good. I’m learning that change is an opportunity to grow beyond your current abilities and one can consciously create it. Sometimes I get lost in thought while walking home on a small trial from my new school, then I look up and see the most beautiful sights ever; rolling mountains covered with thousands of green trees, kids in colorful kiras, a rushing river and I think, “Wow this a great change, good job Sabrina!”