Spread The Heart Advice of the Khenchen

Turning 30 in Bhutan

After the Khenchen (wise monk) explained to me that worrying about getting older was useless thinking, I felt a little guilty about how I wasted precious time entertaining silly thoughts instead of making more of a difference in the world.  I knew that he was right about how one should be grateful for being a human being with fascinating body parts like eyes to experience the world.  I also couldn’t have agreed with him more that since the God blessed us as a human being, our job was to be of service to others.  Everything that he said rang a bell of familiarity to me.  I knew this wisdom when I was a child, so how did so many others and I forget this sacred truth?  How could my friends and I internalize his advice about worrisome thoughts of getting or looking older while we live in a society that advocates looking younger?  How could I get back to this place of honoring/appreciating the body and focusing more on helping others?    

So as my thoughts swam around, I pushed the matter forward to the Khenchen.  I stated that I intellectually understood that my mind created the unhappiness about turning 30 and I got that a number was just a number.  However, I pleaded that it was so hard to let it go, especially when you live in a society that favors looking young, which is usually associated with beauty.  I gave him examples about how in America some of the media advertised special creams or plastic surgery to make one look younger or more beautiful.  I claimed that in my opinion some people felt pressure to look younger to the point of injecting botox in their beautiful faces and it seemed that most people in general don’t want to grow old.  My point was when a person faces daily media advertising ways to look younger, how could a person “let go of the number/age” or worrisome thoughts of getting old so that they could concentrate more on helping others?

Khenchen

He continued to stress that these were all useless thoughts and that since the God made up our body and intelligence, then everything about our physical make up was wonderful.  Thus, he concluded that people worrying about the way they look and trying to alter their appearance were like insults to the God who made them.  In other words, one is perfect the way one is because God made him/her that way; anything that God makes is perfect because it comes from a loving source.  He said that if people worry about changing their looks then the God would cry: “Because I made you, you must save the world.  You must save the environment.  You must teach kindness to the people. Why do they think that after I made them?”  He said that people forgot that concept and we were only thinking about our life or our age.  Once again he reinstated that worrying about looking younger or getting older was useless thinking and a completely wrong way to think. 

Then, being the funny man that he is, he paused to decide how to tease me a bit.  He joked that since I had thought that 30 was such a big number, then I must have surely thought that he was old.  Like magic there was a cloud of laughter in the room as I swore that I didn’t think he was old.  Not only do I love the Khenchen’s wisdom and kindness, but I also love his humor.  Half joking and half serious, I told him that we needed him to call up some of the advertisement companies and commercial agencies to preach his wisdom on T.V. (to decrease suffering, to add more humor and to spread more compassion in the world).

Even though he was giving me some serious advice, we laughed a lot and the atmosphere was fun.  I was so pleased that his advice made perfect sense and I did my best to sum it up, but that led me to another grueling thought:  Hmmm if I am going to forget the number/my age, how do I celebrate being thirty? Ahhhh should I celebrate my birthday?

I'll be meditating somewhere in the Himalayan Mountains

Sure enough, he suggested that I should forget about my birthday, forget about my age and not talk about it. WOW!  FORGET ABOUT MY BIRTHDAY! MY 30^th BIRTHDAY! This was a huge blow to my usual costume.  I have had some pretty lavish parties in the past and I always thought that my 30^th birthday would be the grandest.  It made me realize how much I have changed while in Bhutan.  In the past, I used to picture myself having the most impressive celebration for my 30^th birthday in Las Vegas, but now it turned out that on my birthday I would be practicing humbleness and meditating on compassion somewhere in the Himalayan Mountains.

"Little Sabrinas" celebrating a birthday in Bhutan

He made it all sound so easy as he claimed that when people asked him his age, he had to count the years because he had forgotten how old he was.  My friend Sonam says that this is not abnormal in Bhutan; most Bhutanese people don’t celebrate their birthdays and some people don’t know their date of birth.  So this makes it easy for them to forget about their birthdays or how old they are.  As a result, they don’t seem to worry about their age or getting older.  Therefore, she thinks that it is hysterical that I have been complaining about turning 30, especially since she will also be turning 30 and she sees it as just another number or day.  It shows the differences in our cultures.  However, Sonam and I joke that since some of the new generation of youth is taking on the Western tradition of celebrating their birthdays and since television/advertising is entering more homes, then the new generation may turn into little Sabrinas not wanting to turn 30.  Although we laugh at this thought, I cringe and hope that there will be more Khenchens around spreading the wisdom of the Buddha. 

Like prayer flags spreading prayers in the wind
let's spread the heart advice of the Khenchen

Moreover, as the conversation came to a closing with the Khenchen, he shared with me one last simple, yet powerful thought.   He told me to always think that I was like a beautiful sixteen-year-old and to meditate upon it to the God.  Thus, I would become that: young and beautiful looking.   Finally, I understood what he meant when he claimed that people saw him as an eight-year-old child regardless of what age he was.  Why?  How?  He reflects youth and beauty because that’s how he views himself; one’s internal thoughts reflect outward. 

There is no doubt that the Khenchen is a beautiful person inside and out.  When I first asked him to give me advice about turning thirty, I never expected him to suggest that I should appreciate being human, concentrate on making differences in the world and forget about my birthday or age, etc.  Overall, this was amazing advice and I have more to share from him.  His wisdom shows that he is full of love.  Therefore, as my friend Pema says, “Let's spread the heart advice of the Khenchen…”

SUMMARY OF THE THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE KHENCHEN:

1.     Let the age/number go as well as the worries about looking older because these are useless thoughts that doesn’t serve any sentiment beings. 

2.     Regardless of what one looks like or how one ages with time, remember that it’s all a gift from the God that should be appreciated.

3.     Eyes, teeth, intelligence etc. are all precious gifts from the God.

4.     Everyday realize that one’s body is a wonderful gift. 

5.     People should try not to concentrate on trying to make themselves more physically beautiful or altering their body or face because it’s like an insult to the God that made them. 

6.     Everything that the God made is perfect, beautiful and wonderful. 

7.     One should try not to fall into the trap of trying to change oneself to look how society or others might want him/her to look like.  It’s all useless thinking.

8.     If a person thinks beautiful thoughts about himself/herself, then those positive thoughts will reflect out and others will perceive him/her as beautiful.  How one perceives oneself is how others will see him/her.

9.     People are here on Earth to make the world a better place. 

10.  One’s purpose in life is to care for mother Earth, to help others in need, to help the next generation, to be concerned with our next life, to practice compassion, to teach kindness and to have only kind thoughts for others. 

The Khenchen's Advice About Turning Thirty

The Khenchen

*  In this post, the Khenchen and I used the word, God, several times.  Please refer to the term, God, as whatever God you pray to or believe in whether it's Allah, Buddha, Shiva, the Universe, etc. 

I felt like I won the lottery when I got the rare opportunity to ask a Khenchen questions about life over breakfast at my friend Sonam’s house.  A Khenchen is a respectful title given to a great monk, which is like higher than a doctorate degree.  The day before when I met the Khenchen, I had no idea who he was and he looked like an ordinary monk or lama.  However, his presence felt so heavenly that I knew there was something very unique about him; he gives off the most magical vibes without doing or saying anything.  I was completely drawn to his vortex of powerful, loving energy.  I wanted to dive into it and learn all that I could from this wise soul.  Therefore, I am beyond thrilled to be able to spread the wealth of his wisdom to my friends and family as well as others all across the world. 

Filled with excitement I sat across from the Khenchen on the floor by the burning bhukari while we waited for breakfast.  I wanted to find out about what it was like being a Khenchen.  So I started to say, “Sonam told me that your title is a Khenchen…” Then he stopped me in the middle of my sentence as he gently shook his head, and with such sincerity he said that a Khenchen was just a name or title, which meant nothing.  At first, I was a little confused by his response, but then I remembered his advice from the previous day about one of the most important qualities a person must posses was HUMBLENESS.  It was obvious that he didn’t want to bloat about having such a respectful title, so that was the end of my question about what it’s like to be a Khenchen.  Ironically, I got my answer:  To be a Khenchen, is to be humble.

His humble and kind personality made me intensely interested in how he viewed the world.  I wanted to ask him a million questions about all the problems of the world as well as spiritual questions about life.  However, I held back a little trying not to be too inquisitive so early in the morning.  Nevertheless, we had great conversations about the littering problem in Bhutan, mindless consumption and the importance of laws and rules.  He even told me about his exciting experience visiting America and riding a roller coaster for the first time.  The two of us sat together like we were old friends and we talked and talked, then laughed and laughed.

After a massive breakfast, the Khenchen announced that he should start his drive home.  Panic struck me because I didn’t get to record any of his profound wisdom on film and I wanted to ask him one more question.  So before he left, I asked him if I could film him giving me some more advice about life and if I could share it with my American friends as well as anybody else around the world that were interested in viewing it.  He said that would be great and I promised that it would be fun.  And it was…

Now for the question!  I wasn’t too sure what I wanted to ask him out of the infinite choices.  I had already bombarded him with some “serious” questions and since the Khenchen and I liked to laugh, I thought that I would ask him something playful, entertaining, yet very useful.  I decided to ask him a personal question about something that I had recently started to worry about more than ever and sometimes struggled accepting.  I also thought that some of my friends, family, and others around the world might also be struggling with this particular thought at times.  Therefore, I perceived this as a universal issue that many people could benefit from getting a Khenchen’s advice on.

So with lots of laughter and dramatization I explained to him that I was going to be turning THIRTY in a few months and I was struggling with the idea of getting older, which made me feel sad at times.  I confessed that I didn’t want to leave my 20s because 30 felt like such a big number.  I also exaggerated that each month that got closer to my birthday felt like a knife entering my heart; for the first time in my life, I wasn’t looking forward to celebrating my birthday.  As a result, I asked him if he could please give me some advice so that I wouldn’t have an early “midlife crisis” on my birthday.  I also told him that the advice would be a gift for any of my friends who were dreading turning 30 as well as for anyone else who were struggling turning 30, 40, 50, 60… or any age.

The Khenchen empathetically listened to me while nodding that he understood my agony.  Then he started off by saying, “At any age, I am 8 years old.  People look at me and I am like a child.  When I saw you, I thought you were like a student and I never thought you were (old enough to be) a teacher.  So you don’t think about your year. You don’t think about being old or young. This is useless! This is nothing! This is my advice!

At first, I thought, what in the world am I going to do with this advice?  How can I just forget about getting older? My friends and I are not going to be able to do this.  I don’t understand!  Then I blurted out, “SO JUST FORGET IT?” 

“Ya! Just forget it. It’s useless,” he said reinforcing his wisdom, which I couldn’t quite grasp at that moment.

“So forget the number?” I asked once again in a confused and shocked voice trying to dig deeper into his insight. 

He further stumped me when he asked, “Why do you think about the number?”

I didn’t have a quick answer for him and I thought, “Hmmm, why do I think about the number?”

Then slowly he started to unravel why one should forget about the number.  Slowly his wisdom poured into me.  Slowly it all started to make sense.  Slowly I felt like this was the question I was supposed to ask him.  

First, he explained that we were blessed with the human body.  He pointed to his eye and said that this was a very expensive eye; the most beautiful gift from the God or ones good merit.  He continued to give more examples of precious gifts, such as your teeth, nose, intelligence and body.  Thus, he declared that we were like the King of the world, which was a very precious thing as well as wonderful.

Next he led me into the unexpected and grand finale of where this whole conversation was going.  He summed up that since we got the human body from the God, then we should be thinking about others.  He said, “Try to save the world, try to help others.  This is our job! Therefore, the God made a beautiful eye, beautiful nose, beautiful teeth…you think always that!  Don’t think, oh my age 30, 40… That is useless!” 

Finally, I understood his point:  I should be grateful for being a human being with precious body parts to experience the world because it’s all a special gift from the God.  I shouldn’t waste my time worrying about useless thoughts of getting older, especially when I have two “expensive” eyes to see the world, two working legs to walk with, two arms to hug people… so many things to appreciate.  Since I have these amazing gifts from the God, I should be showing gratitude for them by being of service.  For instance, instead of stressing about nonsense stuff like my 30^th birthday, I should be more concern with how I can teach kindness to my students and how I can contribute to saving the planet.

I couldn’t have agreed with him more.  In fact, deep down inside of me I had already known this to be true ever since I was a small child, but it was as though I had forgotten this internal wisdom.  Now I sat next to him remembering this profound truth and feeling a little guilty that I had wasted so much time entertaining such “useless” thoughts.  I started wondering how did so many others and I forget this?  How can my friends and I internalize his advice while we live in a society that advocates looking younger?  How could I get back to this place of honoring/appreciating the body and focusing more on helping others?    

What the Khenchen told me next, I could have never foreseen. To be continued...

A Khenchen's Great Advice About Life

A VIP MONK

Norbu and I

On the last day of Losar, my monk friend, Norbu, took the initiative to give me one last tour of their home Village, Gangtey, during the day while Sonam was busy.  I was so thrilled that I had Norbu to take me under his wing because I quickly realized that “My Norbu” (when I call him “My Norbu,” he blushes) was like the “it guy” of the village.  I chuckled watching Norbu stroll down his village because he looked like VIP status in the monk world; everyone who saw him coming along were so eager to greet him and he always had someone to introduce me to.  Furthermore, whenever I would say, “Norbu can you get me into there or can we do this…” he would joke with me by saying “with Norbu anything is possible.”  The way I was galloping behind Norbu following him into beautiful Buddhist institutions that I couldn’t see myself being invited into without him, made me giggle thinking that there was such a thing as a VIP monk.  However, Norbu is extremely humble and it would never occur to him that one would perceive him as a VIP monk. 

THE UNIVERSE MOVES YOU ON…

My Norbu

Gangtey Monastery

Once the afternoon was over, we all gathered at Sonam’s mother’s house to say our goodbyes.  I felt a little sad to leave Gangtey Village behind because I had quickly bonded with Sonam’s family and I had somehow planted a little bit of my soul in the valley of million dollar views, but I knew that this was just another aspect of life.  Just when you start to feel all comfortable, the universe moves you on.  I gave everyone a hug goodbye while saying kadrinchela (thank you) a hundred times.  My eyes grew a little teary wondering if I would ever see them again.  Losar is a time you spend with your loved ones and they had warm heartedly made me felt like I was part of their family.  I didn’t speak Dzongkha and some of them didn’t speak English, but I had somehow made them laugh and we communicated through many different ways.  It’s amazing how when your heart is fully open, you can make connections with others in a very short period of time.  A genuine smile is not just a smile, but it’s a message of a thousand kind words.  A bowl of rice topped with ezay (chili) is not just food, but it’s a gesture of care and generosity.  I felt gratitude towards Sonam for sharing her family with me and I managed to let the universe take its course without the teardrops.

Sonam's Mini Car

As we got ready to jump into the car to leave, I was surprised to discover that we had two new people coming back with us to Chumey Village:  Sonam’s monk brother, Dorji, was coming for a week visit and her niece, Dawa, was coming to live with Sonam while Dawa attended high school in Chumey.  I tried to look like the extra load of passengers was no big deal as I was thinking, what? Is Sonam playing a joke on me?  How are six people going to fit in Sonam’s mini car with all the bags?  I’m so embarrassed that I brought the most luggage.  Why did I pack so much? We can’t see out the back window.  This is going to be a long 5 hours.  However, we managed just fine with myself, Sonam, Dawa and little Jimmy spread across our laps in the back seat.  I was so grateful for the adventure that I didn’t mind being sandwiched or the over spilling luggage from the trunk that would fall on my head.  Monk Norbu did his best driving carefully while Monk Dorji sat shotgun with more luggage.  The squishy car ride was actually a lot of fun filled with laughter.  Everyone sang along to trendy Bhutanese music and I joined in by humming the melodies.  Now I laugh at my initial thoughts because I realize that if one of those five people wouldn’t have been in that car on the drive back, then the road trip wouldn’t have been the same fun memory. 

THE KHENCHEN’S ADVICE: Be Humble, Compassionate and Friendly

Four of us in the back seat:  Tea and cookies

On the way home, we got stuck in an hour roadblock along with every other car that was heading west.  The roadblocks can be found throughout Bhutan because its widening parts of their narrowest roads.  So on the side of the road, we ate cookies and drank tea that Sonam’s mother had packed for us.  Then we walked around the road to stretch our cramped legs.  As I was people watching and filming the action of the roadwork, I noticed that there seemed to be a lot of monks around and after being surrounded by monks for the last three days, this had become my new norm.  However, when I Sonam and the others saying hello to a group of monks, one particular monk grabbed my attention like a rare pink diamond.  I immediately felt compelled to move in his direction; he was a magnet pulling me closer.  Although he looked like any other monk, I couldn’t take my eyes off his face as I studied every single feature:  round bald head that was neatly wrapped in a burgundy cloth, pale slightly aged skin, high check bones, almond shaped eyes and big, beautiful pink lips.  Then when he said hello to me, the kindness in his voice memorized me even more than his loving face and I was fully captivated by his presence. 

As I basked in his aura, I had a knowing that this was no ordinary monk.  I thought, what is it that is so extraordinary about this monk?  There was something about him that was so friendly, gentle, enthusiastic, loving and every other positive emotion in this world.  I immediately felt an urge to ask him a million questions because I sensed that within him lay the answers to all the things I often enquiry about life:  What is the meaning of life? Why do people die? What does every human being need to know? etc.  I found myself scooting closer and closer to him and I thought, his energy feels so amazing! Is this what it feels like to be in the presence of a divine soul?  I have read about how some people experience a natural high, an increased level of consciousness or are even brought to joyful tears when they are in the presence of Gurus or enlightened people, but I had never known what that felt like until I met him. 

By now I couldn’t take it anymore and I whispered to Sonam, “Who is this guy and how do you know him? He seems so unique.” 

She whispered back, “He is a Khenchen and I know him because he used to be the principal in the 

Buddhist institution in my village...”

Completely clueless I asked, “What’s a Khenchen?”

“A Khenchen is a big title for a monk.  Very important!  It’s like higher than a doctorate degree…” She responded in the faintest voice that I decided not to ask any more questions until later.

My desire to plunge into the Khenchen’s wisdom and pick apart his brain must have been so intense because eventually he couldn’t ignore my radar eyes and smile that screamed “talk to me please.”  Finally, he turned his attention to me and asked me how I felt in Bhutan and if I felt like an alien being in another country.  I admitted that sometimes I felt a little alien-like because at the time I was still getting use to squatter toilets, bucket baths and no freeways.  I also highlighted that being an “alien” was great because I was experiencing beauty with fresh new eyes. 

Since the Khenchen asked me a question, I jumped on the opportunity to ask him a question about life in general.  I asked him if he could say one thing about life, what great advice could he give me.  In the most sincere voice he said that the best advice that he could give me was to be humble, compassionate and friendly with everyone.  I was so giggly and joyful to receive the simplest advice from a wise soul that I gave the Khenchen a big hug joking that I had friendly and compassionate down; two out of three.  Then feeling a little guilty, I admitted that I needed to work on being more humble and letting go of the ego.  It was something that hadn’t crossed my mind in a long time and so now this was going to be my new quality that I was going to work on while in Bhutan.  

Furthermore, the Khenchen turned the tables on me and asked me to give him some advice about life.  So to add some humor before my real advice cam pouring through, I jokingly advised him to give up doma.  Doma is a beetle nut wrapped in beetle leaves with lime, which is like the chewing gum of Bhutan.  My Bhutanese friends say that it keeps them warm and it’s really addicting.  The thought of the Khenchen, giving up his beloved doma was hysterical and it was one of those moments you had to be there in order to join in some hard laughter.  However, after the laughter died down, I gave him my “real” heartfelt advice.  I didn’t give him advice about what I had read or what others had preached to me.  Instead I shared with him what I was consciously going through during that particular time in my life.  From the rawest part of my heart, I said, “My real advice to you is what I am learning, which is to go with the flow; the flow of life. To go where life takes you on your journey.  And not fight it or have fear and get stressed out.  To just go with the flow!”  The Khenchen said that this was one of the teachings of the Buddha and I claimed that I was a Buddhist at heart.  Then Sonam predicted that I would go back to America as a Buddhist and we all laughed.  

My Beloved Picture with the Khenchen

Just when I was about to flood him with more questions about life, the road reopened and everyone started to run to their cars like they were in a race for their life.  However, instead of running, I whipped out my camera and I screamed, “Sonam, wait, please just take one picture of me with the Khenchen.  Pleassseee!”  She yelled back that there was no time and to run.  Then I pleaded that I had to have a picture incase I never saw him again and I threw the camera in her hands.  Sympathizing with my desire, she snapped a quick picture and announced that I would see him in the morning because she had invited him over for breakfast before he passed through our village.  I was beyond thrilled knowing that I would have a second chance to bombard this man with lots of fun questions (my next blog). 

Then we all ran back to our cars to partake in the mad race of getting on the road first and leaving the other cars in the dust.  However, my “need” to take a picture with the Khenchen’s kind face made our car lose as well as all the other cars that couldn’t fit around us.  Since the roads are not that wide yet, we ended up in a frantic traffic jam with the on coming cars that were on the other side of the roadblock.  It was like a disorganized game of random honking and who could inch the closest between our car and the edge of the cliff.  Now I understood why everyone was running; they wanted to be the first out so they wouldn’t get stuck in an inevitable jam.  Whoops!  Sorry!  (It’s my favorite picture though.)

Once we got through the traffic jam, I found myself still in awe with the presence of the Khenchen.  I spent some time looking out the window thinking about what I had experienced upon meeting the Khenchen.  I thought a lot about how some people give off a spark of loving energy that made others feel tingly and made everyone want to be around them.  I wondered how I could constantly cultivate that loving energy to be more like the Khenchen; to make others feel good in ones presence with or without words.  I thought about how important it was for teachers to have this type of energy that made their students want to huddle around them to learn from them.  So I silently repeated in my head…be humble, compassionate, friendly, be humble, compassionate, friendly…