MY RAT CAME BACK – SOS

If you have read my past blogs about my rat, Templeton, then you know that he is an acrobatic, perverted, fat rat with a sly grin.  You may also remember that he scares the living daylights out of me and makes me turn into a crazy person - screaming, meowing and tapping brooms around every corner.  Well, he came back and I discovered that he was also a burglar and a major partier, which only added to my insane behavior towards him.

Sink pipes I
blocked with rocks

So after I blocked Templeton’s main entryways (my kitchen and bathroom sink pipes) into my home, he got the hint and moved to my neighbor’s house for a few months.  It was heaven no longer carrying a broom around at night from room to room.  However, it was short lived because my neighbor eventually got annoyed with him stealing all her vegetables, so she kicked him out of her house by blocking all Templeton’s rat holes.  That’s when he decided that he would come back to my house with a vengeance. 

When Templeton returned, it was as though he gave me a warning that he was back for good and not to dare try to kick him out again; I found a trail of his gigantic rat poop that lead to a half eaten baby rat in my spare bedroom.  I thought, “Oh my goodness how did this happen?  Did Templeton do this?  OMG he’s back!  Ahhhhh SOS!” 

Then later that night, I was just about to drift asleep when I heard Templeton break into my house with a gang of his rat friends.  Since I was too frighten to kick him out, I stayed locked in my bedroom and I allowed him to throw the most massive welcome home party one could only imagine a rat could have.  Templeton and his friends went buck wild, raging all night long in my kitchen.  They were having a blast fumbling around my stuff and squealing on the top of their lungs.  A few times they even got into a brawl; I could hear them fighting and rolling around crashing into everything on my countertops.  They sounded like a bunch of drunken college kids coming home from a late night at the bar and making a ruckus. 

I had no idea what was going on in my kitchen, but they were having FUN!  I could picture them jumping from the counter to the table then windowsill and back at least a hundred times; their bodies would make large thumps when they landed after launching through the air.  I thought that they must have been playing tag or long jump.  I could also imagine them playing soccer with my jars because I could hear the jars rolling around and smashing off the counters.   Then they would all squeal what I thought sounded like “GOALLLLLLLL”.  At other times, it sounded like they were using my pot lids as cylinders to make some random beats while they sung completely out of tune.  Finally, I thought that they sounded more like kindergartners than drunken frat guys. 

After several hours of them partying away, I had enough of Templeton’s lack of respect.  I sat up in my bed extremely angry, threw off my blanket, placed my feet on the floor and screamed toward my door, “Can you keep it down in there, I’m trying to sleep, I have to go to work in the morning …”  Then I realized how crazy I sounded yelling at rats as though they were human.  I started to laugh at myself because my only intention was to scold them since I was too scared to actually leave my room to chase them away; my feet weren’t budging off the floor. 

A few minutes later, I couldn’t believe that Templeton had the edacity to come knock on my door (I swear this is true).  At first I thought that it was my imagination because his little rat fist made tiny knocks, but when I didn’t respond I heard him use rat language to call his crew to come try to bust down my door.  Within seconds the knocks multiplied and became forceful with many little rat fists and my heart started to race.  I feared that they would use their sharp teeth next to chew through the door and eat me like the dead, baby rat I found earlier.  So I reverted to my old wacky behavior since it had worked once before.  I sat up in bed holding on tightly to my blanket and I started meowing as well as clapping my hands a few times hoping that it would scare them off like my last episode with him.  I dreaded resorting back to my silly behavior, but I was tired and desperate for them to leave.  Either they felt sorry for my pathetic attempt to frighten them or they really believed that there was a monster cat behind the door because they decided to leave me alone.   

Finally, the party was over just as the sun started to rise and I was able to fall asleep in peace.  A few hours later, the sun filled my home and it was time for me to get ready for work.  I peeked my sleepy head out of my bedroom door and meowed a few times worrying that they might have come back for a surprise attack for not opening the door for them.  However, it was silent and I felt safe.  Nevertheless, I took my broom with me for protection just in case there were some hungry stragglers. 

When I entered my kitchen, I froze in my tracks and my jaw dropped as I looked around at the gigantic mess.  My kitchen was no longer immaculate.  It was a disaster!  It looked like it had been ram sacked by a bunch of burglars.  Everything that had been neatly displayed on my countertop was now knocked over or on the ground.  My pot lids looked like they had been frisbeed across the room.  In fact, there wasn’t one item that still had a lid on it.  My collection of recyclable garbage had been thrown off the windowsill and some of the labels from my jars were shredded everywhere.  I thought there must have been a half a dozen rats partying it up by the amount of rat droppings they left behind.  It looked worse than what I had imagined.

Templeton's daily rat turd ERRRR

After my state of shock wore off, I felt my blood boiling as I began to pick up the mess and I came across a huge rat turd inside my beloved rice cooker.  I know that this was Templeton’s poop because only the biggest rat in the world could poop that big.  I was so angry with him!  Out of all the places he could have pooped, he chose my rice cooker, which is like a huge insult for a rice lover.  Was he taunting me?  Hmmm!  I started murmuring, “This is freaking ridiculous.  I refuse to pick up after rats and host rat parties.  Who does he think he is partying like a rock star all night!  This rat has to go.” 

I meant every word and it was now my mission to kick Templeton out once and for all.  However, I didn’t know that Templeton was extremely relentless, intelligent and sneaky.  To be continued…